Welcome Back Cotter

I know its been a while since i've updated the adventures, but you know what, tough shit.

I'm here slaying over a hot desktop pumping out emails while your sitting there in your cubicle thinking that if you sit on facebook for one more minute your going to go blind.

I like to consider this blog a little bit like Jack Bauer, dangerous and only around every other season.

I also like to consider this blog a little bit like Mathew Mconahey, fun loving, drunk, in peak physical shape and barefoot.

Now that we've got that out of the way i'd like everyone to take a deep breath and say "its all going to be ok".....ok maybe not, but fuck it, lets go bowling. God does this economy suck...i'm thinking about getting back into the pizza delivery game, but no one lives at thier house anymore...fucking forclosures.

In high school i delivered sushi for a while, made killer tips once people realized i was actually there to give them thier sushi, not ask to take thier daughter to take a ride in my '88 honda accord...balling!!!!!

none the less, i'm back, you like it and its going to be all good.

check frequently for some updates as i've saved some stories that will make your head spin (insert joke about craig davis's cousin here).

Carpe Diem
ADA

we won....now what

Now trust me, my high school football career got me no where near states, and the last thing i've come close to winning what a beer pong tournament at a dive bar in nyc...but you've got to think, if your playing in the world series and win on the road....it really cant be THAT cool.

Yeah your jumping into your locker room, spraying enough booze and champagne to cure hunger in several 3rd world countries, but at what point does someone look around and say...man, this is getting awkward.

Yeah this definetly increases your chances at endorsements, probably won you a sick bonus and will help any problems you have in your love life but your in a town full of people that absolutely dispize you. Ok, i take this back, if you're a professional sports player with probelms in your love life....please start playing in traffic now. Ok now back to my theory, here's a real life example as I imagine the red soxs when they won at yankee stadium in '04. You think those guys went out that night in NYC and tore up bars...hell no, if i saw one of those ass clowns i'd probably ..........ask them for thier email addess and spam the shit out of them. (YEAH!)

so here's to you world champions on the road,...enjoy the victory now, because the feeling you get at the end of a 5 minute hug with a teammate is going to need some explaining. None the less you better be well rested casue tomorrow when you wake up your going to have some email to read.

the greatest song ever

now i'm in no way, shape or form interested in american idol, but if this guy didnt win...i'm pissed:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-pP7p8kmMUc




2 words....feel good

4 people i meet at the gym (Part Du)

seeing as how I'm currently at an all time low of unhealthiness I think it makes sense to at least write about the people at the gym that see to find their way into my nightmares once again...

part 2 of this series focuses on the treadmill racer.

Ever been running on the treadmill and someone violates the every other treadmill rule? Man this really gets me going, here i am trying to watch the Tila Tequila on my TV and this aggressive little lady decides that the sweatiest kid in the gym may be a good person to run next to. So after changing back to sports center or watching a Yankees encore we each begin to run. Around the 1 mile pace this direct descendant of lance armstrong who's probably about 5'4'' decides to step up her game and start pushing the same pace as me. I then try to be the hero and compete but there's no stopping her, its like the scene in rocky 4 when ivan draggo's pumping the treadmill up to 8.0 incline...now that's bad ass. (que hearts on fire....now)

so here i am, running 5 extra miles beyond what i was expected to run, I've got a cramp in my quad thats adding to my already noticeable limp and shes still going.

after i pretend to sprain something i have to slow down but at this point she has already won. Normal people may drop it down to a 3.0 and have a nice cool off lap, but not me, i recognize the defeat, go back to the lockeroom and sulk like byung hung chin after arron boone went deep in the 10th inning.

so i say this champion of the treadmills...next time, choose a wiser neighbor, cause I'm not going to let defeat rear its ugly head again...I'll just take a dive and make sure to take you out with me.

....towel please

random thoughts by jack handy

here are some random thoughts I've had lately:

Working at TMZ must really suck....i wonder if they have you start on the D list celebrities like Spencer from the hills and slowly move up to good people like Morgan Freeman and Danny Diveto

What ever happened to Christopher Lloyd and why did "great scott" never catch on like it should have

I've recently realized on a road trip that technology has flip flopped in the past 3 years in me owning an ipod and now the radio has cooler shit than my gym, rock, chill and sketchy playlists combined

Having Annie Lewis's walking on broken glass on your IPOD under sketchy mix makes your play list that much more sketch (please see later post...weird moments that occurred because my ipod was on shuffle)

more and more people ask me about my blog, but i doubt anyone even comes here as its simply a ploy to get me to buy more media or drink more beer

I recently heard a "dumps like a truck" reference and although hysterical, I'm extremely glad that neither sysco or that saying caught on

who the hell applies to work at TMZ...is there a major for that or do you simply need cash for drug addiction



i wonder if the cashiers who check me out at the super market judge me for my purchases (special k with red berries and most recently a lean cuisine)

i wonder how healthy a lean cuisine really is

I wonder if anyone else other than my buddy Marc knew that Randy Jackson was in Journey, I'm not sure if my opinion of randy jackson just went up or if my opinion of journey went down.....i think I'll have to ask TMZ


if this guy judged me i'd be pissed




"yo dawg your solo is wack" Randy Jackson circa 2007

People I meet at the gym (a 4 part series)

Going to the gym is normally an ordain task which if possible I'd like to fast forward through (if only dvr worked in real life).

This week I noticed several stereotypes of people that i see in almost every gym i go to, especially ones in Murray hill.

My first gym acquaintance is one that's hard to ignore, the Grunter.

This guy normally wears no sleeves and a really really sweet arm band.

Now i know you've been working hard to get your weight up, and trust me that new fake tan you got shows it...but your grunts aren't in sync with my ipod songs and its throwing off my rhythm as i jump rope to rocky sound track.

So please Mr. grunter, lay off the sauce, try buying some sleeves and get a better hobby, like chasing girls on crutches or buying online media

more to come....

These SPAM guys are getting good

I recently received this email in my junk box:

From: Russell Shearer
Sent:Thu 5/15/08 8:00 AM

Girls don't like you? We have a solution!
U can restore your health just right now.
Simple way to enhance your love life.
(insert link here)


Russell, I'd appreciate it if you stopped following me around and emailing me products that you think I need.

Thanks,
Mike

and thats how a bill becomes a law

Every so often an idea emerges and changes they way people think. Such ideas such as gravity, e=mc square...and now.....the girl on crutches theory.

however controversial, my hopes is that after this hypothesiss all shall understand the knowledge i've gained through countless a/b testing.

now i want you to picture this,....its raining (like katrina) and its a friday night, you've worked all week and are dead tired. Now in this crazy world we live in i like to justify two different segements of the world...people in relationships and people who are emotionally available (more than potenitially).

No if your in a beautiful relationship, your most likely ordering patsys, drinking some red wine and watching some movie with matthew mconohey on this depressing friday night (not to say i ever do this...but we are marshall was amazing).

Now for the other side, if your single, your in your apartment, you've got no food, you've got some expendable money (from not having to order patsys) and deep desire to go out and meet some new people. So what do you do, you brave the weather, go out and make some bad decisions like brittney spears in vegas.

This is why on a given night of inclimate weather (rain/snow) the crowds at bars consist largely of single people (proven fact). Now my logic tells me that if the weathers bad out and theres a group of women at the bar, those women are not only available, but also gullible enough to believe i invented the internet (longer story). And thus creating a theory of inclimate weather.

Now taking this theory to the extreme (sarkady exercise), if you were to break your leg/sprain your ankle, logic has it that you'd most likely cut back on extra physical exerstion for the benefit of personal comfort....but not if your single! This is why if you see anyone out on crutches at a bar, they are most deifnetly single, available and crazy enough to listen to your bullshit.

I remeber it like it was yesterday, a young amsel on an adventure en cancun mexico. I ran into a young woman on cruthces braving the crowd of obnoxious spring breakers to enjoy her vacation. I wondered to myself, wow this girl may have an alochol problem if shes out drinking on crtuches,...but alas she was simply single (and gullible that i was a place kicker for uconn)...but none the less

Dont take my word for it....just ask my boy george:

Speaking of Van Dam

Recently a fellow colleauge of mine possed a very interesting question.

Who is the ultimate sunday afternoon action star, Jean Claude Van Dam or Steven Segal.

Now each of these actors/killing machines has his own flair and style, JC with a more rock em sock em attitude, kind of like i'll blow up your house and make out with your sister; while Stevey Segal is more sutble, where he'll sneak in your house, steal your TV and Karate chop your dog.

In an effor to avoid a college thesis (similar to guy on couch in PCU) I think this battle comes down to 1 thing, who's got the better pony tail.

It takes a real man to go out in the real world, let alone act in a movie that has the potenial for such sydincation as bloodsport/under seige. I was eating dinner the other night and saw an older man (50/60) with full grey hair rocking a serious pont tail. Now by the end of dinner he was kissing my girlfriend, but thats not the point (pony tails are pretty smooth so i see why she fell for it). The point is....dude your probably someones dad, or atleast creepy neihgbor, do you want to be remembered as lovable man who was very friendly and reliable, or guy that snuck into my apartment, karate chopped my dog and stole my TV.
(sorry for the rant).

back to the argument, these dudes wore a pony tail, and if you looked twice at them, boom you were dead.

Now Van Dam's more of a greasy dude who peaked in the '80's, plus he did a movie with Dennis Rodman, so i'd have to say the edge goes to my boy (and potential father) Steve Segal.

Its a close battle but SS comes through with a huracaine ......... !!!

The Joys of Friday

I must say, there's really no better feeling than a Friday in the summer while living in Manhattan.



The weathers warm, people are eager to get drunk, and if its raining you at least you know there will be only single women out (to be discussed in later blog - see girl on crutches theory).



The thing I love most about Friday.....Happy Hour.



One rarely stops to think, wow it really is a happy hour (or if your like me hours). Especially in NYC, its a rarity to combine cheap drinks, a great promiscuous crowd and activities such as beer pong and flip cup. Add these elements all together and throw in a dive bar, and you've got my idea of fun.



Now that i think about it, Fridays are one of my favorite days of the week. Now trust me, i'm definetly a weekend kind of guy (Sat/Sun), but what other day of the week has the priviledge of beeing associated stars such as Van dam and The Hoff...



Van Dam dances his pants of for friday, so as god as my witness so will I.....















have a great weekend.



Amsel out-

the birth of enlightenment

My intentions of this blog are simple, to provide insight on my daily thoughts to people who most likely don't give a shit (just a note: profanity will be accepted). Rules and topics will be discussed further in later posts.

To give a little information on myself, I'm 6'2'', male, Jewish and (potentially) emotionally available.

The way i see it is simple, something about me tells myself I'm destined for greatness. Maybe not on a grand scale, but at least in the world of blogging. If the Empire state building could be built in 410 days i think that in at least a couple of months i could make this blog into something respectable, at least to the online media department.

So please, feel free to comment, insert words of encouragement /motivation as i enter into the world of sobriety and never drink again. Its going to be a long road but i'm hoping with a little help from my friends and kaizer i can pull through.

Swing away Merrill....swing away.